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Contests : Wergle Flomp Free Poetry Contest : Past Winners : 2004 : Maggie Miner
OH HUSBAND! MY HUSBAND!
O Husband! my Husband! our peaceful sleep is done;
The squall that shook our very rack, resounds from Nature's gun;
The hound has fled, much hair was shed, the bedding ripped asunder,
While there you lay, a' slumber'd keel, oblivious to the thunder:
But O fart! fart! fart!
O legume that you were fed,
Where on the bed my husband lies,
Sleeping like the dead.
O Husband! my Husband! rise up and breathe the air;
Rise up — for you the covers flung — aromas we must share;
From you bouquets of fragrance sweet — From you the scents abounding;
For you I call, unswaying mass, my trepid heart a' pounding:
Here Husband! dear husband!
With arm flung o'er your head;
In torpored dream upon the bed
You're sleeping like the dead.
My husband does not answer, his countenance unshamed;
My husband does not feel my arm, he moves as though to aim;
My ear perceives the rumbling sound of tempests soon to come;
The fearless canine's hasty trip has beckoned me to run:
Tumult, O roars, O gastric swells!
But I, with mournful dread,
Clutch the bed my husband lies,
Sleeping like the dead.
Sent as a joke to Poetry.com,
this poem won an honorable mention in the 2004 Wergle Flomp parody poetry contest sponsored by Winning Writers.
About Maggie Miner
Sometime during the Stone Age I received my BA in English (conferred with honors — Lambda Iota Tau —
an International Honor Fraternity of Students of Literature). After graduation, I discovered that a reading knowledge of Middle English
wasn't a terribly marketable skill, so I joined the work force and put aside my love of writing.
I've written ever since I can remember — parodies, farces, short stories, anything — for pleasure, but not for publication.
Publication has been limited to one poem in a national collegiate anthology, and, as an adult, a few pieces of nonfiction for technical journals.
My mother had an incredible gift for parody and the talent for capturing the absurd in the mundane, yet she never pursued a writing career.
I realized I didn't want to share that regret.
With the Wergle Flomp contest, I found well-crafted insanity and kindred spirits.
This parody represents my first effort to dip a tentative toe into the literary pool.
So, with a flatulent husband who works on a tugboat (hence the nautical metaphors),
a hound from the pound and an opinionated parrot for inspiration, I hope to be able to continue on this path.
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