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Contests : Wergle Flomp Free Poetry Contest : Past Winners : 2008 : Cody Jurs-Allen
THE CAPTAIN OF CRUNCH
Captain of Crunch, that is my name
The one I chose myself,
If you don't like it, I don't care,
Just take me off the shelf.
Don't start your day the healthy way,
Don't buy nutria-grain,
If you buy Tony's frosted flakes
Then you must be insane.
Lucky charms, they are so gross
A fucking leprecon?
Just look at me, I'm Captain Crunch,
I'm the magic one.
Quick take me home to eat me and
You might find a surprise,
The sooner that you open me
You'll find out what's inside
The magic starts when you add milk
And stir me up a bit,
For once you put me in your mouth,
You'll find I taste like shit.
My golden pieces look so good
But that is not the case
For if you eat me there's a chance
You'll lose your sense of taste
Pretend you bought a llama and
It spat you in the face,
Then you ran a marathon
But finished in last place
When you eat my cereal,
The feeling is the same.
You hate your life and want to die
And bow your head in shame
My jagged edges tear your gums,
You'll bleed until you cry.
But I'm your favorite cereal
And I will tell you why:
You smile when you see me in
My fabulous blue hat,
The other reason being that
I have zero fat
I wear a fancy captain's suit
Like of Napoleon
And the shoes I wear to work are
The ones that I go bowling in
I always pop my collar when
I have a photo op
And my style is more colorful
Then snap, crackle, or pop
Something you might not know of me
My real first name is Rob.
Another secret that I keep,
I wipe my ass with Sponge-Bob.
I'm captain of the S.S. Guppy,
I own Toucan Sam.
I made the rabbit walk the plank
Because Trix tastes like spam.
I was born at General Mills
But that place is corrupt,
They've made obese children
By selling coco-puffs.
So now you know the reasons why
I'm better than the rest
Go gather all your friends to tell them
I'm the very best
I am the Captain, of the Crunch
And things are going swell
Remember to buy my cereal
Or you will go to hell.
Sent as a joke to PoetryAmerica, this poem won an honorable mention in the 2008 Wergle Flomp humor poetry contest sponsored by Winning Writers. Author Cody Jurs-Allen received a cash prize of $72.95.
About Cody Jurs-Allen
Cody Jurs-Allen will be a freshman at the University of Redlands in southern California this August. He hopes to play soccer there as well as continue his education in writing, and more importantly poetry. He was first inspired to write comedy poems when he entered the poetry slam at his high school and got good laughs from the crowd. He hopes to someday be a stand-up comedian.
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