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Contests : Wergle Flomp Free Poetry Contest : Past Winners : 2008 : William Schroeder
O, STUBING! MY CAPTAIN!
O, Stubing! My Captain!
Our season finale is nearly done.
The Pacific Princess has weather'd every tacky plot,
The ratings we sought are won.
The port is near, the boat horn I hear,
The special guest stars all debarking,
While my captain's eyes follow Charo's aft,
For whom love was a'sparking.
But O broken heart! Broken heart!
O the rising socks of white,
Where on the Promenade deck my Captain waves
Till she kootchie kootchies out of sight.
O Stubing! My Captain! Cheer up and move on.
Cheer up, for next week's previews have not yet come.
For you a Barbi Benton tryst may arrive,
Or, perhaps, Bea Arthur is the one.
For you the passenger list is brimming,
With you they dine, the B-list masses,
Their eager agents are a'calling,
Begging for those network boarding passes.
Ahoy Captain! Paging Dear Merrill!
That shimmering special effect in the air,
It is some dream sequence on the viewing deck,
You've stumbled over a cabana chair.
My Captain does not answer the page.
His sideburns, long and gray,
Merrill feels his tow-line slipping,
For he is no Isaac nor Gopher in age.
His dinghy, overboard and sinking,
Its sailing days are nearly done,
As Doctor Bricker rushes to his side,
His stethoscope a'dangling.
But toss your confetti, O shuffleboarders,
And sing, O Mandrell Sisters!
Behind that blue screen horizon
Something new and exciting lingers
Love won't hurt anymore,
For my Captain, now forever duty-free,
Has set his final course—for adventure.
Sent as a joke to Famous Poets Society, this poem was a finalist in the 2008 Wergle Flomp humor poetry contest sponsored by Winning Writers.
About William Schroeder
Billy Schroeder runs the Upward Bound program at Missouri State University. Or, rather, his two, lovely graduate assistants run the show, while he diligently works on the perfect love ode to Tootie from "The Facts of Life". He hopes to finish his book that merges traditional prose with tv shows, and hopes even harder that people will be interested in it. After that, he hopes for a nice ham sandwich.
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