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Contests : Wergle Flomp Free Poetry Contest : Past Winners : 2010 : Ryan Baker
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE NEW YEARS
Twas the night before New Years, when all through the house
Not a person wore cloth, not even a blouse.
The stockings were flung on the couch and a chair,
In hopes that some strippers soon would be there.
So the children were sent to their grandmoms instead,
While visions of drunk dads danced in their heads.
And mamma in her thong, an eye on her strap,
Had just gave me brains from her long winded trap.
When out on the jawn, on her nose, I did splatter,
She sprang from the bed, I said 'what was the matter?'
Away to the sink she flew like a flash,
She threw up her guts, my nut's in the trash
And soon on her breast, her true calling—hoe,
Gave lust to the penis I told her, 'below.'
When, what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But a husband and wife, with his hand on her rear
She looked at my rider, not little but thick,
And I knew in a moment she wanted my dick.
More rapid than pain, no shame in her game
I whistled, I shouted, and called her by name!
I'll smash her! A Dancer? Her answer—'a Vixen!'
'Her vomit, I'll scoop it!' I got her, my dick's in.
To the top of the bed! To the top of her jaw!
Now smash her face! Splash her face! Crash and spray ya'll!
Now he knew I was good, so he covered his eye
I pushed in her bush, god, who is this fly?
So up to the house another girl flew,
With a bra full of tits, my dick'll fit two.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
Romancing, performing, I went to see proof.
Withdrew from his head, she was turning around,
Next to the chimney, the shit was profound.
She was dressed all in fur, from her head to her foot,
And her clothes were all tight, like the way they were put.
A bundle of toys she had flung on her back,
With dildos and condoms, and whips that go smack!
Her thighs-how they twinkled! Her nipples how merry!
Butt cheeks were like roses, her tits like a cherry!
The whole of her mouth, drawn up like a pro,
And the cum on her chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of his man had been tight in her teeth,
While I’m layin' the pipe, in the room underneath.
He had her broad face on his little round belly,
That shook when she bobbed, like a bowlful of jelly!
It was chubby and plump, like not of an elf,
And she laughed when she saw it, in spite of herself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know her legs would be spread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And ripped off the stockings, while she started to jerk.
And laying his finger inside of her rose,
And giving a nod, she curled up her toes!
So we sprang in the house down, quick like a missile
And away we all flew at the sound of my whistle.
From the window exclaimed, as I turned out the light,
'Happy New Years to all, and to all a good-night!'
This poem was a finalist in the 2010 Wergle Flomp humor poetry contest sponsored by Winning Writers.
About Ryan Baker
Originally plagiarized by Clement Moore, "Twas The Night Before New Years" was Ryan Baker's first dip into the pool of competitive poetics. After finding himself a "vanity reject" by several poetry contests, I assume for nothing more than extreme awesomeness, he stumbled upon the legend of the great Wergle Flomp. After sacrificing several months researching this hotly debated topic, the 24-year old Philadelphian began the arduous journey of submitting his work, for critique, to the enigmatic myth itself.
Through his voyage of mystical exploration, the young father of two has been drafting his first epic poem, in the vein of the great Homer, tentatively titled Puppet. Think The Odyssey, only with puppets. And not funny. No, really.
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