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Contests : Wergle Flomp Free Poetry Contest : Past Winners : 2010 : Will Ross
THINGS EVERY KID SHOULD KNOW
Hey there boys and girls!
I'm Uncle Will and I'm a poet.
Do any of you know what poets are?
That's OK boys and girls, neither does anyone else.
A poet is a self absorbed douche who likes to write in small sentences because the structure of prose is too complicated for him.
Also you can sometimes get laid with it before she finds out you're a huge flake.
So.
I'm here today to teach you some things that every kid should know,
with a poem called
"Things Every Kid Should Know."
Fucking duh.
What else would I title it.
If you ever get confused, just remember:
WWWRD.
What would Will Ross Do
It looks like "WORD" written by a stuttering autistic.
Let's do this.
Welllllllllllll(cough, cough)llllllllllll
Always run with scissors,
If you want to get there fast.
And if another kid annoys you,
Just kick him in the ass!
Make sure you ask a stranger,
If you don’t know where to goooooooooooo
Hey! These are some things that every kid should know!
Now wasn't that hard to remember boys and girls,
was it?
And fun too, right?
Fuckin' A it was.
But I'm not done schooling ya yet,
boys and girls.
(Not by a fucking long-shot.)
There may be some times in your life where you do something
wrong,
and you may be thinking,
“Should I just go tell an adult right away?”
Well I'm here to tell you boys and girls...
Lie your ass off.
And stick to your story, too.
Because if Mommy and Daddy can’t prove it...
did it ever really happen?
So let's go.
Wellllllllllll
A big ol' Skull and crossbones,
Means it goes right on your plate!
If it was good enough for pirates,
That means it will taste great!
And you can always wash it down...
With a glass of yelloowwww snowwwwwwwww!
It's just another thing that everything should know.
Now kids, maybe you're curious about mommy parts and daddy
parts.
And occasionally someone has mommy slash daddy parts.
And they cost extra.
Now you may be wondering,
where do I learn more.
Well I'm here to tell you kids that all Daddies have special tapes and
magazines hidden somewhere in their bedroom.
I keep mine under the bed.
But they could be other places.
In Daddies sock drawer, or hidden under the tee shirts.
I hear some Daddies hide them up on the roof.
Or even in an active garbage disposal.
They might even be in the night stand next to Daddies Gun!
(And the key to the gun lock is on his keyring,
the slightly bigger one is for the fuzzy handcuffs.)
Follow me.
Wellllllllllllllllllll
If your Mom says you can't have it,
Scream till you get your way!
Cause eight bucks for peace and quiet,
is a price that Mom will pay!
And flush things down the toilet,
if you don't know where they gooooooooo!
These are some things that every kid should know.
Well Uncle Will has to go now kids,
and meet with his Parole officer.
Can you say "Parole Officer?"
Good!
Plus the weed's wearing off,
and I can't deal with you fuckers sober.
But before I go, let's play another fun little game!
It's called "Let's pee in a cup for Uncle Will,
so he can stay out of prison."
So line up kids.
None of you kids smoke, do you?
This poem won an honorable mention in the 2010 Wergle Flomp humor poetry contest sponsored by Winning Writers. Author Will Ross received a cash prize of $75.
About Will Ross
Will Ross is a Poet and Satirist living in Omaha, Nebraska with his pack of wild terriers. He is the author of two books, Cattywompus and The Schoolwork of Bobby Anderson, both available on Lulu.com. He hopes to one day be the focus of a Scientology SLAPP Lawsuit. More of his poetry can be found at http://prefacesandasides.blogspot.com.
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