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Contests : Wergle Flomp Free Poetry Contest : Past Winners : 2011 : Rick Lupert
RULES FOR POETRY
Never use adjectives
unless you're trying to describe something
and you don't want to do it the hard way
Never use the word "forever"
It reminds people they’re going to die
and the last thing you need is people distracted
by their mortality during your poem
Write what you know
Unless you're a fool, in which case
look to the internet, and write about something there.
Avoid vowels
and their angry sister
the letter Y
Avoid cliche
On the other hand...
Learn the difference between
epigraphs
epigrams and
episiotomies
Use as few words as possible
In fact, hand out blank sheets of paper
and tell people it's your finest work
If you ever use the phrase "darkness in my soul"
be prepared for me to come to your house
and kill you
If you're going to write in form, do it right.
For example, as I understand it, a haiku
is eight hundred words written while
sitting on a cheesecake
Line breaks are important
but use them carefully, once you've broken a line
its mother will never forgive you
Finally, go to poetry workshops
sometimes they serve food and
you can't write poetry if you're dead
because you forgot to eat
This poem was a finalist in the 2011 Wergle Flomp humor poetry contest sponsored by Winning Writers. It originally appeared in Rattle #33, "Summer 2010 Tribute to Humor". Mr. Lupert won the Wergle Flomp contest in 2002 and received honorable mentions in 2007 and 2008.
About Rick Lupert
Rick Lupert has been involved in the Los Angeles poetry community since 1990. He served for two years as a co-director of the Valley Contemporary Poets, a nonprofit organization which produces readings and publications out of the San Fernando Valley. His poetry has appeared in numerous magazines and literary journals, including The Los Angeles Times, Rattle, Chiron Review, Zuzu's Petals, Caffeine Magazine, Blue Satellite and others. He edited A Poet's Haggadah: Passover through the Eyes of Poets anthology and is the author of thirteen books: Sinzibuckwud!, We Put Things In Our Mouths, Paris: It's The Cheese, I Am My Own Orange County, Mowing Fargo, I'm a Jew. Are You?, Feeding Holy Cats, Stolen Mummies, I'd Like to Bake Your Goods, A Man With No Teeth Serves Us Breakfast (Ain’t Got No Press), Lizard King of the Laundromat, Brendan Constantine is My Kind of Town (Inevitable Press), and Up Liberty's Skirt (Cassowary Press). He has hosted the long-running Cobalt Café reading series in Canoga Park since 1994 and is regularly featured at venues throughout Southern California.
Rick created and maintains Poetry Super Highway, an Internet resource and weekly publication for poets.
Currently Rick works as a music teacher at synagogues in Southern California and as a graphic and web designer for anyone who would like to help pay his mortgage.
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